The issue with male avatars

 This is not an easy subject..

I've recently been walking around in SL with keys on cuffs, hoping to get grabbed and played with, quite desperate, maybe too desperate. 

Fact: wearing a dark opaque catsuit doesn't help, a transparent one does. 

So, suddenly I got 'grabbed'... by a male avatar. Males are not my preferred play mates for several reasons, but... desperate me and regarding his SL age one could assume some experience, so why not give him a chance? He also didn't look like a meat bull ready for the slaughter house, if you know what I mean, so one could hope for some intellect.
But oh dear! Before I got the chance to even start a chat about expectations and stuff, I was fully gagged and my IM were completely (!) blocked. No chance even to point him to my profile, where it says that's not to my liking. However, I had been locked and put in a cell finally, so I held my complains to myself (not that I had much choice, except the "cheat out of RLV" choice, which I really, really hate) and decided to give it a week or so. Not seen this man on since.

After a couple of days, while silently waiting in my isolation cell, not even hearing chat around me, another male tried to IM me. Blocked IM's could be a bliss, I thought, but no, somehow he knew a way to bypass the limitations my cell forced on my RLV relay, and he broke into my IM and world. And before I even knew, I was TP-ed out - abducted - from this cell I was still silently hoping my first captor to show up and free me from.
Things only got worse from then. This second man was convinced I was going to be his property and slave, and nothing I said could make him see this was not going to happen. Nothing.

Result: me locked in another cell, slightly less isolated, but now with gear locked by two different males. And no - realistic - timers set, as far as I could tell. 

Only difference : male #2 did not disappear, but returned as often as he was on, each time telling me he wanted to control me completely, hold all of my keys. And each time I told him this was not going to happen, and asked, demanded him to unlock whatever he had locked on me. To no avail.

This resulted in the only option left, the one I hate so much : cheating out of RLV.

I tried to be open, give them a chance to prove me they can be sensitive and fun playing with as well, but the sad result is it'll be even harder now for any male avatar to be accepted or trusted by me. 
I still don't care what colour or sex or whatever is the person behind the keyboard, and honestly, I even prefer not to read that in a profile, but my first criterium from now on will be a F/X avatar. 

The long way back

I have been away from SL again for many many months, and as it was a ... painful exit, it's not a very easy return either. At some points, I thought I was gone for good, and I think the friends in SL also had that thought. At least I hope they did have some thoughts about me.

I'm not going to talk about my exit or what happened before, but skip immediately to my way back.

For starters, why is there a way back anyway? Why not leave the dying world of SL forever? It's way over its high, and apart from some graphic improvements over the years (requiring a new computer and a better graphic card sometimes), there hasn't been any serious innovation for the very long time I have been visiting. Not that I have the hardware for it, but 3D doesn't seem to be for tomorrow, does it?

I think the people who stay - and I guess I belong to that category - find something there they can't achieve in their first life, like shiny latex and tight restrictions. Yes I know, it exists in RL as well, but just like owning and sailing a big yacht, visiting an alien space station, growing horns or lekku, there might be some impediments in the way.

But I'm diverting from my way back...

While I deep inside still long to be restricted and bound, I feel something is broken and I'm just not ready yet (or anymore?) to let whatever stranger on my way capture me. As I stated last week (or so), right now I don't feel anything, neither Domme or sub. 

That was last week. 

Meanwhile I have been walking around in some mysterious outfit, a tight black catsuit with a (not extremely tight) corset, high boots of course, and a mysterious mouth mask (to protect me from computer virusses, hehe). 

As you can see on the picture, I completed my look with some dark sclera contacts, because dark sunglasses are not that practical in combination with the mask. 

All together this look is to reflect the dark emptiness that's still inside me, and it's okay for me if it's rather mysterious as well. Unintentionally, it must also look dominant somehow, as there have been nights where I was like drowned with IM's of submissives inviting me to lock them up. 

Feeling neither D or s, most of the time I am just hanging around a bit at that "storage place", occasionally responding when being spoken to, or taking part in some teasing of the stored "goods". 

Yesterday it happened I lured a girl into a cell, and played a bit with the toys she had attached. Quite fun, and it helps to gain back my self confidence, but oh dear how I wished someone would grab the key of my cuffs and do a similar thing to me! Of course, I would need to wear my toys first for that to happen, but guess what, slowly I'm finding back the courage to take that risk.

Are you strong enough?

 When I woke up this morning, this old song came into my head:

Somehow its sad atmosphere reflected my feelings on this grey and misty fall morning, after recent events in my sl. Where my previous post expressed a joyful excitement about tons of restrictions and the hope on much more, it seems to have come all to an end now... again.

I have been feeling very sad about how things evolved, or maybe not evolved, but came clear to me. Came hurting me. Even after this growing number of years, I still feel an outsider, maybe an intruder even. The fifth wheel on the car. The orphaned child of a far relative, taken into the house out of compassion but never really closed into the heart of the family. Orphaned, or widowed. 

I thought becoming a faceless drone would relieve me. No more emotions, no more thinking. Freedom through restriction... But behind the expressionless faceless hood, the emotions can barely be muted, the feelings will still be there. And some of them hurt. When a drone realises it's being immobilised into a silent statue to be put aside in favour of another drone, it may break. 

So once again it comes to "go out and seek new friends." Last time I tried that, it only brought frustration (of the wrong kind), and a barely contained breakdown. I don't even know the places anymore in sl where you have some chance to meet someone... strong enough?

-=xXx=-

We were planning to have my drone suit permasealed at the occasion of my upcoming rez-day. Does it still need to be said this is no longer on the table now?

A03

 While still in the Sao family, Mistress Andi has lended my keys to Miss Amy, and she keeps me locked very tight! She has also added a speech controller chip to my outfit, with a growing list of "bad words", forcing me more and more into "drone speak". The rest of this post will be as passed through this chip.

In the picture, reader can see it in its outfit for the first week Miss Amy controlled it: black catsuit, a corset, ballet boots, an armbinder and a drone hood. Its speak has been taken away, leaving only popping up icons to communicate. It cannot say it was unhappy, even more as it is not alone, there is also an A01, who is under almost the same restrictions as A03.

At this moment, both A01 and A03's outfit have somewhat changed. The latex suit and the ballet boots are still there, but the armbinder and the corset have been replaced by a Venus corset, binding the drones' arms and waists together very tight. It is clear the drones have no touch at all. The hoods were taken away for now, leaving the drones' lovely faces and hair free for the world to see them. This vision however doesn't go both ways, as both drones are fitted with special contact lenses, leaving them almost blind.

And then there is the Speech Inhibitor Chip of course, which in itself is not wicked, it is Miss Amy making very smart and wicked use of it to teach this one to talk and think like the drone it is to be.

The reader could have guessed already it is not allowed to use the first person anymore. But also the second person is off limit, which has an impact on its language that should not be underestimated. As it can not use the word that sounds like "U" anymore, very common and polite smalltalk needs to be re-thought, e.g. "How is Miss today?" or "Thankies."

As Miss saw this one is adapting quite well, an extra set of forbidden words has been added by Miss. It now can no longer use the female third person singular. This of course does not make things easier, especially when most subjects in SL are female.

This one is curious what more new challenging restrictions Miss Amy has in mind. So far it has been able to cope and enjoy this restricting adventure, and it hopes it will go on for a while!

-=xXx=-

P.S.: don't worry, I will not blog in iconese when put on communication with icons only, or would I?

Still there..

Oh wow, more than 2 years since my last post here! Ok, I have been posting some stuff on Deviant Art meanwhile (and maybe I should stick to there?)

You could describe my SL frequency nowadays as "bursty", meaning there are periods where I log in almost daily, and there are in betweens of several months where I don't log in at all.. It's just like that, so I think it's not too bad with that addiction thing. I think I can say, if I ever was addicted, it's kinda over now.

The main reason I came back to this blog, is that I wanted to check how long exactly I'm locked in those ISO-suits already. And this turns out to be more than 5 years, even getting closer to 6! If I survive just a little bit longer, I will be locked in most (i.e. more than half) of my SL! 

Ha! We just had a discussion about the "permaseal" button recently, and I said I wasn't ready for that. Silly me! Ok, so the idea comes to my head I should be ready when I reach the 50%, what do you think? Not to worry, that moment is still more than 2 years away...

I'll keep it to this short post for now. Maybe next time I'll tell about my current adventure..

-=xXx=-

Challenged

To be honest, I lost track of the time I'm locked in the ISO-suit. Wait, it must be more than 3 years now, and counting. Technically that is, as you saw in my previous post my outfit changed, even though the Suit is still locked on me.

My actual situation is very similar: I'm still sealed in the CC Drone suit, and the Suit even has control over my outfit, but meanwhile my looks have changed again.
Latex remaining a constant craving, I'm once again completely covered in it, complemented with those gorgeous wedge latex boots from NGW, and their new mittens making my hands rather useless (but not as useless as the Venus corset though). Finding a nice attribute to wear on my head, was a bit more of a quest, but finally I fell for this kitty hood, also by NGW.

I've never felt any kitty or neko desires in SL (or elsewhere), but I'm a big fan of my RL cats, and catwoman in her tight fitting catsuit (what's in a name?) has always had a slightly arousing effect on me. So don't exaggerate on pet-play on me, or I might react a little bit... feline?

Of course I can change my outfit only with approval of my suit's key holder, and I wouldn't be me if I would be satisfied without any of these shiny latex garments locked on me and restricting me. And this is where Miss Andi came up with a challenge for me: she would lock me in it, but only if I would go "kitty" the whole way and have some "pet hearing" locked on me as well. And all would remain locked until I learned enough words to be able to ask for release.

For those not understanding what I'm talking about, have a look here: https://marketplace.secondlife.com/p/SI-SubListen-SubSpeak-HUD-v201/7206198

Needless to say I accepted the challenge...

Breaking news

I guess after more than 2.5 years, the longing to try, be or do something else got too huge to resist, so I got permission and support to try one of the special features of the CC Drone Suit: the possibility to add (RLV) outfits. I'm not going to explain technical details, but stick to the headlines:

1. Did I (finally?) escape from the Suit? 

No, not exactly. Its core is still sealed on me, and I do not have the keys.

2. What's the novelty then, precisely?

Well, look for yourself:

Yes, I am on the picture. It's also taken by me, so the view is what I get to see in SL. ^^

The blinkers on the sides are limiting my vision to straight ahead, and you probably also notice the world is quite 'foggy' to me. That's because the 'hawk hood' I'm wearing is also covering my eyes and not too transparent.

Can you guess which one is me?

So, I am a (lovely restricted) ponygirl again! If there was one desire for another outfit while I was in the ISO-suit, it must be the one to be a dressed and tied as a ponygirl again. I have such great memories of the last time I was trained as a pony!

I don't have a dedicated trainer now (candidates pls contact me!) but I get the new experience of pulling cart together with another pony. Which is great, I am enjoying those rides very much. We make long rides over the roads in mainland SL, traveling several sims far and back. As you can see in the picture I don't get to see much of the world though, and I can also add that I'm still prevented to see location (and names, and...)

But it's big fun, and I wouldn't even complain if I were fully blindfolded. 

In my RL neighbourhood I see a lot of horses nowadays are wearing fly veils. I found a nice pic on the interwebs, to show you what I mean:

Seeing those horses like this every day, I really started to wonder what they think about it, and what they still can see. Their view must be blurry or foggy as well, right? 

So, as a ponygirl, especially with my arms tightly bound in the NGW Venus Corset, how would I be able to keep the flies out of my eyes? 

Exactly: the hawk hood. A lot of ponies in SL are wearing it, and I found on the Marketplace you can buy it either with or without scripts. I bought mine unscripted, and put in my own, giving me 4 different levels of vision restriction, but no 'faux'. 

Just like for RL horses, the comfort of having no flies in your eyes comes at the price of a limited vision. Hence: no 'faux'.

And to be honest: I am more than used to restricted vision, as the Suit has been limiting my vision as well. ^^

I am in fact so used to it, I would feel rather uncomfy and disoriented without.

If (I still have readers and) you're interested in being my pony trainer, please don't be shy, but contact me. My current keyholder, Andi Sao is great and doing me and my pony friend a huge favor by driving our cart, but I don't think she's interested in spending all her SL time doing so. I'm pretty sure you would not only pleasure me, but also her, by borrowing me from her. I wouldn't even mind if you contact her instead of me, refer to my blog, and surprise me...

So, this pony is looking forward to her next ride! 

-xXx-