Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Balance?

I got a house in a nice green environment, I got 2 sweet adorable slave girls, and I got a bunch of loving friends. I got everything...

Everything?
My Mistress and lover Pike is still in prison, her sentence only half way. Pikes Mistress and my "spare Mistress" Chantal has not really found back her domme feel yet, is rather growing deeper into submission, and besides that, has some rl health issues keeping her away from sl.
It's comforting to know both seem to get what they want, but it leaves me with an increasing hole in my emotional landscape. My subbie side is totally left abandonned. And even while I am not an easy sub and must do a lot of effort to not be too picky on any Mistress trying to domme me, it's still something I need.

I guess calling myself a demanding sub sounds like a confusing contradiction to many. But indeed if you just brutalize and humiliate me, I get repulsed. If you take away my inputs without putting something in place, I get bored. If you take away my communication without communicating to me, I will feel unwanted. The only bounds I can bear are the bounds of Love. I said it before, I'm an attention whore.

Yes I know a good sub lives for the attention of her Mistress, and will wait endlessly and patiently for Her to get some. I'm afraid I'm not a good sub, and maybe never will be one. Although I try to though.

I'm waiting for so long already for Pike to get out of her cuffs and guiding me. I really tried to wait for Chantal last saturday, but staring at the inside of a blindfold for an hour without anyone near to talk to me, is just not my idea of passing my sparse free time. So I didn't wait that long, I'm sorry.

If you think like this, a lot of silly things happen in sl (nothing to do with Syllie..) I don't want to know how many "subs" are staring at a black screen, waiting for some text to appear. Worse even when this text looks like "Someone: ..."
Same for spending hours at a "camping" chair to earn some money... With just a couple of rl dollars you can buy more linden dollars in a second than with hours of camping. Maybe you even gain on your electricity bill!

But right... back to the growing crater in my emotional field.
It adds to it I see Chantal and Pike growing more and more apart every day, and I seem unable to do something about that. Like a child seeing its parents are heading towards a divorce, wishing, crying, hoping, praying for them to stay together...

Damn I spend most of my sl time trying to make people talk to each other and getting along! Just because I care...
What if I stopped caring? What if I just let them throw away what they got for so long? What if I also ran away from it all? What if I went for my own instant sub fun? Getting banished? Getting imprisoned? Hanging out at meeting places and letting some unknown Mistress take me away to an unknown place...

Honestly, I try, for the sake of my dearest ones. But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this all up...

DS
Posted by at

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Love,

Being in the place you are now is something that can never be easy. I can't say that i've really been in your spot before. That has to do with many reasons, the most obvious ones that I honestly don't know when to stop. Boundaries have never been something that is clear to me. I tend to seek the limit, in everything.

However, I know like no other how a hole in your heart feels. In the course of no time at all, my best friends, one whom I had been with for almost a year and one that meant the world to me, simply abbandoned me. Both, one after the other, said that my presence was no longer needed or wanted and said I should leave. Well, saying is a big word. They just never talked to me again.

In the course of the next weeks, I struggled for endless hours with that, and I just don't know why it happened. For some reason, my love and attention, which was always enough for me, wasn't enough for them. They wanted more...one wanted more control, the other, well, I don't know.

The thing I noticed is that SL is becoming more and more self centered. Almost to a fault. Where before you would at least say HI, or goodbye when you logged on or off, it's now okay to just do it. But it's more then that. More and more people come to SL for cheap entertainment and love. They take what they can from people and try to put as little back as they can.

I have to say, that at times I am one of those people, I try not to, but in my excitement I sometimes loose my grip. I am not judging those people but what no one seems to understand is that you can't take without giving something back, you shouldn't.

My love for you is not for your whip or leash, but for the girl behind the screen. I care very much for what we do together, because it is the way we show our affection, but I don't feel that what we do in Sl is all that we are. We are more, there is another life we should care about, the life of the person behind the screen.

I agree, there are a lot of people that just wait at a black screen for a word from their Mistress, and both getting it and NOT getting it is exciting, I know, i've been there. However.. the ability to sit at an empty screen DOES NOT make you a good slave. Agreed, good ones will wait longer, but your attention span is by NO means a measurement of your submission or "level" as a slave.

The way I see it is that everyone is different, both slave and Mistress. Each is unique and each has her own limits. You can't say that Mistress have an easy job, it's not easy, nor is being a Slave.

The thing I always go back to is a talk I had with one of my older friends. It was when I was considering TPE, giving myself completely to someone else. She reminded me that in TPE (Total Power Exchange) the key word is not Total or Power, but EXCHANGE. It is a TWO way street. You can't just give in and say, "Now you control everything" it doesn't work that way. We wish it does, but it doesn't. It has to come both ways.

When it doesn't, that means that communication is off. However, relationsships are MORE. The lack of communication strains relationships, yes, but by no means ends then. Being a slave to someone is more saying that you love someone that anything else.

There is very little I wouldn't do for you, my Mistress, but it is not your whip I fear, but my own heart, cause reading this, and knowing how you feel sometimes breaks my heart. I cry myself to bed knowing that you LOVE Pike and Chantal so much that you are UNABLE to do anything about it. At one point you realize that you really love someone, and that this feeling is real and true. I see of no reason to think that your love for them isn't that kind of love. And I find no reason to suspect they don't feel the same. However you can't compare your love with theirs. Like you can't compare my love with yours.

Knowing who and what someone is clears your mind. I know who you are, I feel it when I close my eyes. I am NOT worried not scared...for I know that I love you.

You are my love, my Mistress, my friend, my everything. It give me the responsibility to take care of YOU. So let me say that from the bottom of my heart, I love you.

Yours,

Syllie

September 18, 2008 at 8:19 AM

Post a Comment